“Follow your heart and find your peace of mind.”

Words once uttered by a complete stranger. I never saw her again nor do I recall her name. I completely ignored her advice, or at least I thought I did and continued on with life. Towards the end of the year, I packed my bags, filled my trunk, and ended what I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life doing, not knowing it was only a new beginning.

“I was playing right into their hands, you challenged. And you would have none of it. I was to stop.” This line reminded me of the time I felt forced to be in marriage I did not want to be in anymore. It made me reminisce the times when I allowed myself to submit to his and their demands because it was supposedly the righteous, most socially appropriate thing to do considering the culture I grew up in and the values I was raised with. Somehow, it made me recall how I gave our relationship all I had to offer trying to be the perfect wife. Perfect in a sense that I would give up my wants and be selfless towards what would make everyone who mattered happy. However, knowing what I’ve learned through what I’ve experienced, I was actually being selfish.

Love played a huge role in our marriage but it wasn’t the main reason why. I didn’t get married merely because I would go to jail because conception without marriage is illegal where I was from, not knowing that I would feel captivity regardless. I signed those papers because I believed we brought out the best in each other unaware that he would also absorb the life out of me because I allowed him to. It was mortifying and painful. I’m reminded of the agony when I think about my failed marriage; it makes me question the essence of love, relationships and commitments. It hinders my ability to express my emotions and feelings towards a things. I constantly argue with myself trying to figure out what happened. Who was to be blamed? What went wrong and when did it start? I asked myself, “Why?”

I know realize that everything he had done was with my consent. He had exhausted passion and every other emotion associated with life. I had forgotten how to feel, I was numb and simply didn’t care about anything. I was lost and definitely not at peace with myself. I didn’t know how to speak, I couldn’t even write. I felt like a singer without a voice, I was feeling suffocated and unworthy of life. I had to gather and survive with that little ounce of courage I had left but I had to stay for my daughter oddly enough this or she was also the same reason I left. I never wanted to tell her that I was miserable and unhappy because of her.

I always look back to the end of my marriage because this was when I had my life back. It does take time to completely regain self-confidence and self-trust but it also takes forgiveness. I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and take responsibility for all my actions. I also have to forgive him for what we put ourselves through. For the longest time, I expected an apology from him. An honest and sincere apology but I should never have because when you are truly sorry, you shouldn’t expect it back and that goes with anything else in life.

I had to go through a lot to get where I am today, still at the beginning. Once again, ready to feel, anxious to experience things and learn more. Sometimes I have regrets and sometimes I praise myself for doing what I did but regardless lessons have been learned. I’m starting a new life, creating new dreams with my daughter surrounded with people who love me and are deserving of my affection. I can never really despise my ex husband for all he’s done and maybe I haven’t really forgiven him for everything but it’s a work in progress. I’m still human and there is still time. I know I need to get ourselves to a point where we are amicable. We both have an amazing reason to appreciate each other , we both made mistakes and really without each other, we would not have been blessed with Quennette.

At this point in my life, I understand things more and although my past has greatly affected my present, I have taught myself to believe that things will always get better. I love the state I’m in, it could be better financially if I never left but to be free to discover myself was worth more than the bags and shoes and that shopping spree he could have given me.

“You would have none of it, I was to stop.”